🥛 Crypto is saved! 🚨

PLUS: fkSBF thought he could be the President of the U.S...👀

October 11, 2023

Today’s edition is brought to you by Toku - where industry leaders like dYdX Foundation and Mina Foundation turn to administer token grants to their global workforce.

GM. This is Milk Road. We’re your first breath of fresh air each morning.

Deep breath in… deep breath out… ahhhhhh.

Here’s what we got for you today:

  • Crypto is saved! 🚨

  • Round 1: fkSBF vs. Caroline Elisson 🥊

  • Stat of the day: there have been 160,000 attempted hacks on Upbit 👀

  • “I can’t love stocks, but I love Bitcoin and gold” - Billionaire investor 🍪

CRYPTO IS SAVED! 🚨

Just when all hope was lost…

Jim Cramer made another crypto prediction: “Mr. Bitcoin is going down BIG!”

Milk Road Translation: Bitcoin is going up. Bull rally incoming. Lets. F*cking. Go.

Now, in case you don’t know Jim…

1/ He’s the bald guy on TV who yells about stocks all day.

2/ He’s known for having the Anti-Midas Touch™. (everything he touches, turns into gold sh*t)

Just check out some of his big-brain predictions from the past:

  • In 2008, Jim famously said: “Bear Stearns is fine! Do not take your money out.” Bear Stearns was indeed not fine. A week later, it collapsed and kicked off a financial crisis.

  • In 2012, Jim made predictions like… 1) Best Buy would crash. Within 6 months, it was up 120%. 2) Netflix would crash. Within 6 months, it was up 175%.

  • Earlier this year, Jim defended Silicon Valley Bank and said concerns about it were “not justified”. A month later, SVB collapsed and became the biggest banking failure since 2008.

In other words, when Jim makes a prediction… the opposite usually happens.

All jokes aside, who knows if a crypto rally actually happens. But Jim made similar predictions in early January…

“Another weak year for crypto”

“Good chance to get out of crypto… it can’t be trusted.”

BTC, ETH, and a handful of other altcoins ended up rallying +30% afterward. We’ll see if history repeats.

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The cherry on top? They also handle payroll, tax compliance, reporting needs and can integrate with any payroll/EOR providers in any jurisdiction.

ROUND 1: CAROLINE ELLISON VS. FKSBF 🥊

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… **drumroll**...

Caroline Ellison’s testimony in The U.S. vs. Sam Bankman-Fried (fkSBF) trial.

Now in case you need a refresher, she:

  • Is the former CEO of Alameda.

  • Pled guilty to committing fraud. (with fkSBF)

  • Entered a plea agreement to cooperate with the U.S. government.

  • Is the star witness of the trial.

Oh, and she’s fkSBF’s former ex-girlfriend. They were like crypto’s Mr. & Mrs. Smith - except with half the action and double the fraud.

Here were the main highlights from Caroline’s first day of testimony:

  • Caroline started off by flat-out admitting she committing fraud. And she did it with fkSBF.

  • fkSBF made Caroline the CEO of Alameda, but she still had to report to him. He was leading the Fraud-peration.

  • Caroline said fkSBF directed her to “borrow as much money as possible” from lenders. 

  • Caroline created and sent fake balance sheets to investors. The goal? Make Alameda “look less risky” to investors.

  • They borrowed billions of dollars and used “Sam coins” and FTT (aka FTX’s native token) as collateral. Alameda would use their boatload of magic internet money as collateral in exchange for billions of dollars of real money.

  • Alameda would then use FTX customer deposits to pay back loans. In total, Caroline estimates they took $14B from FTX customers. (!!)

  • They would also use FTX customer funds for other investments. Including political donations, startup investments, and personal loans to friends & family members.

  • fkSBF told Caroline he believed he had a 5% chance of becoming President. Not of the Calculus Club either…The President of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Holy sh*t. I can only imagine what their “date nights” looked like…

Caroline will finish testifying today, but the courtroom already has more suspense than a Spanish telenovela.

All eyes will be on Round 2.

STAT OF THE DAY: UPBIT HAS BEEN TARGETED 160,000 TIMES 👀

Upbit is South Korea’s most popular exchange.

  • $1B in trading volume over the last 24 hours.

  • 2nd most used centralized exchange in July, in terms of trading volume. (only behind Binance)

Well, turns out the crypto exchange isn’t just getting attention from traders.

It’s also become popular amongst crypto’s worst enemy… hackers. 

According to a recent report, Upbit was targeted over 159,000 times in the first half of 2023.

That’s an average of…*checks calculator*… 879 attacks PER DAY.

Now, either:

a) These are the worst hackers in the history of hackers. Or…

b) Upbit is the Mohammed Ali of crypto exchanges.

159,000 punches thrown. 0 landed.

Pretty crazy.

BITE-SIZED COOKIES 🍪

QUOTE OF THE DAY: “As interest costs go up in the United States, I can’t love stocks, but I love Bitcoin and gold.” - Paul Tudor. (billionaire investor who predicted the ‘87 market crash)

JPMorgan carried out its first blockchain-based collateral settlement transaction yesterday. JPMorgan’s blockchain (Onyx) and the bank’s Tokenized Collateral Network (TCN) were used by BlackRock to tokenize shares in one of its money market funds. The tokens were then transferred to Barclays for collateral in an OTC (over-the-counter) derivatives trade.

Immutable has joined the Amazon Web Services (AWS) Accelerate Program. The goal? Make it easier for developers to launch and scale blockchain games.

Bitcoin researchers published a new concept called a “Bitcoin Virtual Machine”. It would enable smart contracts on Bitcoin without having to make any big changes (a “fork”) to the blockchain.

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DISCLAIMER: None of this is financial advice. This newsletter is strictly educational and is not investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any assets or to make any financial decisions. Please be careful and do your own research.

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